Festivus 2016: Some Minor Grievances
(For those of you who haven’t heard of Festivus, read up more about this glorious holiday here before reading on.)
2016 was an absolute garbage fire of a year on a big picture level and the most mixed of bags at best on a personal level, so I naturally have plenty of ammo for my Airing of Grievances. However, part of the point of having a blog is that it’s a platform to air your major grievances, so I’m sticking to the minor ways in which my fellow humans majorly disappoint me.
Let’s do this.
Improper hashtag use
Hashtags are, at their core, a sorting system for tweets/‘grams/posts. They should be short, specific, clever (if possible), easy to remember, and they should link you to a larger body of similar content. For example, I made up #WestRContheRoad for my quidditch travels in 2016. It was cute, it kept all my travel tweets/instagram posts together, and it was unique enough that no other content crept into the hashtag.
While hashtags have evolved and can have a satirical bent to them now—no one says #blessed sincerely anymore—that doesn’t mean you can just #makeuphellalonghashtagsfornothing. First of all, it just looks like word vomit. Second, it doesn’t do any of the things hashtags are supposed to do. Unless you #reusethatmonstrosityofahashtag, it doesn’t collect more content. It’s not easy to remember, it’s certainly not short, and it’s not fucking cute. Cut that shit out, guys.
Bad bus behavior
As a regular rider of the VTA, I get a front row seat to some pretty bad breaches of etiquette. Sure, I usually have my headphones in so that I’ll be left alone. I try to have a row to myself as long as possible by sitting on the aisle side of the two seats—but the minute someone looks in the direction of the empty seat next to me, I scoot over.
So when I’m eyeing the seat next to you, you don’t get to pretend to be blind just because you’re blasting To Pimp a Butterfly. Your good taste in music might be deafening you, but it’s not blinding you. And to the guy two nights ago who was manspreading in the middle seat of three even after I took a seat on your left: you can fuck all the way off.
Nor are you safe from my shaming if you drive. Far from it. My ride of choice is the VTA 522. It’s beautiful, blue, and it’s also the biggest bus in town. You’d think that people would stay out of its way. You would be wrong.
If I had a dollar for every time someone cut off the 522, I’d be able to buy a monthly pass every other month. Think I’m exaggerating? Last week my bus got cut off three times. (shoutout to those Downtown San Jose drivers; stay classy!) The second time, we got thrown so hard after the driver had to break at the last minute that a woman hit the deck and hit her head.
Share the bus. Share the road. We’ll all get there eventually.
Spoilers and the people who complain about them
We can all agree on some things. Those people who shouted “Snape killed Dumbledore!” way back when we were lining up for late night Harry Potter launches? Assholes.
That was eleven years ago. The internet has exploded since then, and with it has furor over spoilers. But you know what? There is a statute of limitations on that shit. The internet exists for people to share information, after all, and I’m not gonna censor myself forever because you haven’t watched an episode of Game of Thrones that’s two weeks old.
The following are my spoiler statute of limitations rules of thumb:
TV Shows: 1-2 days
Movies and Books: 1 week
Mind you, that’s just on Facebook. If you go on Twitter—a medium made for real time updates—I have no pity for you. You’re just asking to be spoiled.
Julia and Olivia
Goddamnit, sister. Why did you have to bring two of the brightest lights of my life into the world on the one day my constant complaining is acceptable? You were supposed to have them in January. How can I indulge in being a curmudgeon when I look at these twin cuties, who are identical only in birthdate and level of disarming adorableness? Happy birthday, sweet girls. Tia loves you and will wrangle you later as part of her Feats of Strength.
Thanks for reading. I’m beyond thankful for every single one of you that reads my blog. Happy holidays, friends. May your grievances be few and all your feats full of strength.